Some days are a struggle to wake up and even get out of bed. It would be so easy to give in and sleep all day or mindlessly wander through a sea of distractions until bedtime. When I wake up this way, every action feels ten times harder. It’s like I can feel the weight of my dread and my fears pulling me down, full of tension. Trying to arrive back to a place of positivity and gratitude seem so far away during these times. It’s tough sometimes. It is what it is. I can’t expect to be happy and fulfilled all the time, it’s just not realistic.
Today has felt like one of those days. It’s like someone has muted the colors of life and all I feel besides tension is indifference. My body is trying to tell me something. Sometimes I wonder where I am drifting. I wonder if I need to change my situation entirely or continue working on my mindset to develop a healthier state of mental health. Perhaps its both. I don’t know but somedays I really feel the stress and loneliness of the choices I have made in my life.
I chose to stay in a career field that continues to cause me a great deal of stress. I chose to push people out of my life who loved me and were trying to help. I chose many things that I find questionable at this point in my life, but here I am. They haven’t all been bad decisions, I am very fortunate right now and I want to work harder on appreciating what I have right now. It’s just tough. I lose motivation sometimes.
I hide so many aspects of myself from other people. I struggle to open up and connect. I consciously choose to not reveal my life to people and then wonder why I am so lonely sometimes. It’s like I maintain an image of contentedness but rarely tell people when I am feeling down or anxious or depressed. I just board it all up, deal with it, or write it down here. Writing sometimes feels like the only outlet. I don’t know, I have this fear that revealing my vulnerabilities and struggles will make me look weak or that people will worry and I don’t want to burden them.
I have family and friends but many of the relationships are superficial and apparently I prefer it that way. I don’t like talking about my feelings and I feel incredibly uncomfortable opening up and being vulnerable. But I can’t play the victim here, these are my choices that I have made and I can choose to make new ones. It’s tough though. I am introverted and have always felt safe hiding away, but days like today I just want to fall into someone. I just want to throw my arms up and open up totally and completely. I want to be seen.
The journey continues with learning to love myself and finding the positive in every situation. It has to start there if I am going to be more open and loving with others. I decided to change some habits recently. I stopped drinking as much and I joined a gym so I could get some exercise and boost my mood. I think it’s time for me to finally accept the fact that I need help, I need therapy. My mental health causes me to struggle and sucks the joy out of my life. I am tired of it. I am taking my life back. I want better for myself and I need to stop being so stubborn.
If I truly want to feel better, act better, and experience a better life, I have to work for it! I have a tendency to complain about something while doing absolutely nothing about it. I am a mess of contradictory behavior and cognitive dissonance. It’s okay though. I accept where I am right now and the path forward is clear. Make better choices. I want to improve my lifestyle, get professional help, be willing to open up with others, appreciate this moment and this life, and do what I love! It has to start somewhere. Okay, let’s get out of bed and make something of today…<3
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