I feel like this past month has really tried my dignity, my sanity, and my overall strength to endure. It has felt spiraling and hopeless so much of the time, like I am being continuously buried in ash, unable to catch a glimpse of the sun. I just want to see the light. I just want freedom. I want to be in a state of mind where my curiosities, passions, and intrigues can flourish and dance. I feel trapped in a cage so much of the time, endlessly trapped. I feel that the air is heavy, pushing my soul down, anchoring it to the ground. I do not want this. I want the inner child within me to come out and thrive. I want the feeling of an open and connected world. I want the feeling of living out a grander purpose. I crave meaning within this struggle. We are born to create and I want to create. I want to leave an imprint on this world. I want my life to have meant something, something authentic to myself.
Upon further reflection, I realize that what I am feeling now is actually nothing new. I have been imprisoned not by my external circumstances, but by my internal shackles. I have felt shame in who I am. I have seen myself as being in the way and not good enough. I have not felt like a whole, dignified, authentic person whose voice matters. I still carry social anxieties rooted in these feelings. It has not naturally occurred to me to advocate for myself or see what I do as important or impactful. I have a habit of taking power away from myself and giving it to everyone or everything else. Though my external circumstances like my job may trigger me in some ways, ultimately it is MY responsibility internally to give myself a better life.
I have discovered that I have strong emotional drives to be liked by everyone around me and to be seen as hard-working, competent, intelligent, and agreeable. Accompanied with these drives are black and white thinking that lead to perfectionism. “If I make one mistake, so and so will think I am stupid and incompetent and will no longer like me and treat me with respect”. My mind makes leaps and bonds to solidify my own powerlessness and sense of inferiority. I feel my mind trying to pull me back into the cold familiar sting of this twisted mental existence every day and I just feel exhausted by it all.
Luckily, I have recognized these things about myself and can now move forward in discussing them in therapy. My next therapy appointment is this Tuesday and I am excited and nervous about discussing these new insights with them. I so desperately want to change my job and I feel beyond burnt out, but I also know that this mindset will follow me wherever I go and will continue to fester unless I break this inner cycle. It all starts with me, and it starts with giving myself the love and grace and support I have always wanted. It is time to dignify my existence and to understand the strength and power and creativity within me. It is time to give myself kindness. It is time to give myself worth. It is time to trust and respect myself enough to not worry about what disasters might befall me in the future, but to know that all will come and pass as it should and that I will still be here carrying this light within me.