I had about a two-year period in my life, from 2010 to 2012, where I kept a journal. I was in my early twenties and the journal was a random collection of scribblings, from personal experiences to rants to politics to philosophy. It was me attempting to explore my world and to put my perspective on page. I considered myself curious and open-minded with a fresh perspective on different topics and I wanted to create food for thought. It was a place I could flesh out the ideas in my head on paper and I relished in it. I wanted some me-ness to be out there in the world, maybe for others to discover eventually and be enlightened, so I thought in my youthful arrogance (spoiler: I was not very enlightened).
I happened to unearth this journal today and was reading through some of the passages. It almost sounds foreign, like someone else is expressing themselves in their own way. I kept thinking “Who is this guy?” to myself. The last entry in the journal was about seven years ago. I was 25 and a completely different person then experience-wise, maturity-wise, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I mean it feels like a lifetime ago, like a huge chasm of growth and experience separates the time period between then and now.
During that hiatal period, I had a toxic relationship I wasn’t perceptive enough to see at the time, I got married, got divorced, went through a period of depression and drug experimentation, and eventually met some people I found enlightening and who encouraged me to grow both intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. I am a totally transformed person now, even from a year ago. I have slowly learned to build myself back up, pick up the pieces from the trauma of that time and make something of my life. I want to get back to my roots so to speak, now from the other side having weathered the storm of life in your twenties. Through all of the growth, there are aspirations that still stand for me. I want to love, I want to serve, I want to write and help inspire and intrigue people in whatever way I can.
I started writing again about a month ago and I feel like I have so much more to say now that I have gone through this journey over the past decade. As good as I thought my writing was seven years ago, I realize now that I carried a false sense of confidence. My thoughts were scrambled and many perspectives were immature or poorly thought out. I am still learning to articulate in the best way that I can and I want to continue to grow as a writer. I am more humbled and grateful now with this experience. This opportunity to be able to write and express myself through words every day is a fortuitous gift. I love it, it motivates me and fills me with a deep sense of satisfaction and catharsis.
It is so strange to compare the writers from just a few years ago. It’s amazing the different people we become through love, through pain, through hard lessons, through expanding our minds, going new places, and meeting new people. My journal from seven years ago is a snapshot of that time period. As flawed as the writings are, I am proud that I was able to at least attempt to capture some essence of myself, my intrigues, my thoughts, my dreams, my limited understandings, as well as my whimsical fantasies and philosophical discussions. And it’s a reminder that I always want to look back at my recent past and be astonished at how different of a person I was then and I am now. I want that sense of continuous expansive growth, of flowering maturity, of blossoming gratitude and spiritual enlightenment. Life for me is constantly evolving, learning, unlearning, and relearning.
My earlier writings captured me from a time period, just like I want to capture myself in this moment of my life, a moment that I feel is particularly ground-breaking, humbling, and spiritually prosperity. I feel like I have had success in re-training my mind, unlearning a plethora of unhealthy mental habits, and am learning to live mindfully and in love with life and people. I have never been this way before, I have mostly been a cynical, negative, internally rebellious person on the surface but with a loving, sincere, and sensitive nature underneath the layers of hurt.
I want to share my story. I want to share my success so far as well as my failings. It’s all important, I just want my humanness to be conveyed in some way through my writings. I am in the same boat as all of you and life is a beautiful mess. I want to bleed on paper and show as much as my authentic self as I can so as to hopefully relate to others in the same boat and to hopefully inspire souls someday to leave no stone unturned and to shine as bright as they can. That is my purpose now, I don’t feel bound by indecision or indifference, I feel inspired with clarity and purpose and I hope to spread that light to others as I continue to grow and learn about myself and this world.